June 1, 2017 § Leave a comment
I noticed that I have gained a few followers, and I thought it was about time I introduce myself properly. I have mentioned things here and there about my life, and who I am, but I think to better understand where I am coming from and where I am trying to go, I should let you know a bit more. So, dear reader, here it is. Me.
I’ll start with a little bit about where I am from. I am from the South, not one place in particular, I have lived in several southern states. I am the middle child, I have an older brother and a younger sister, we are divided by two years between us all. I had a good childhood, nothing tragic or traumatic has ever really happened to me, I count my blessings as far as this is concerned. I was homeschooled my whole life until college. My parents were, hippies I believe would the easiest way to explain them. However, when I was about 16 I decided that rather than finish school I was going to just work the rest of my life. My father had done it, started his own painting company, not an empire mind you, but it has served him well most of his life. I have never been one with much ambition. I have never wanted to be a CEO, or even the boss of a company. When people I have worked for suggested that I become a leader I have shied away from it. I am type B personality, this means I have the skills to lead, but I do not have the desire. I am fine not being the one that everyone has to answer to. In fact, I like a job that is something comes up I can send the unhappy party to someone else to solve their problem. It isn’t that I cannot be the boss, I just don’t want to. This way of thinking, of being, is not conducive to wanting to quit school and just work my way through life. After I quit high school I worked small jobs, enough to save some money, quit, and then travel with friends. I did this until I was 20. Then I realized how I had made the wrong decision, and decided to get my GED. This remains my only regret in my life.
After I started college at the small community college in my town, I worked retail jobs and just pursued my degree for a few years. Because I had quit school I had so many remedial classes that my 4 year degree was going to take more like 6. This was discouraging, but I was resolved to finish. I have always been someone who has loved reading and writing. I was determined that I was going to finish my degree, and make something of myself.
At 23 I met my husband. I had gone with some friends to a poker night. Standing in the courtyard with my friends, my husband came around and I will be honest, I didn’t think much of him. He was cute, sure, but he wasn’t what I was looking for. In fact, I wasn’t looking for anyone in that context. I didn’t want to get married or have children. When I looked at my life, my future, I was happy to be alone. I saw myself working, writing, and just travelling. I could see myself sitting in some European country, sipping coffee, and enjoying quiet afternoons writing. After I met my husband my life goals changed drastically. After knowing him only 6 months we got married. 3 years later our son, Jack was born. 3 and a half years after Jack, Olivia arrived. We moved from our home in Louisiana to Frisco, Texas. Eventually, we moved three more times within Texas, and now we reside in North Carolina. My life is not what I had planned, but I love it! There are moments, moments that all I want in life is a few moments to myself. My children can be annoying. Yes, I said it… ANNOYING. But I love them, and I wouldn’t change what my life has become for anything.
So, now here I am 31, and in my last year of my bachelor’s degree. Yes, that’s right, it will take me 11 years to get my 4 year degree, and to that I say this…. I DID IT! I am not ashamed of the length of time it has taken me, however, being so close to graduating I feel an anxiety about the end being nigh. I am I too old to start a career right now? Is getting into a MFA program a possibility? How do I even get started? I am so anxious that I will graduate, and not be able to find work, because my work history is so horrible. Short term employments, no employment.
If you are reading this, and have any advice for me, please leave it in the comments. I would love a little guidance. I have been thinking about freelance writing, but I am not very confident in my writing skills.
May 28, 2017 § Leave a comment
I love writing. I always have, I don’t remember a time that I wasn’t writing or creating stories. When I was young I would fill notebooks front to back with hand written stories. Little fictions that filled my imagination and couldn’t help but spill out on the page. However, I find myself older and much more hesitant to write. Everyone is always saying that if I just find my niche, that one thing to write about then I could be happy with it. My blog would be better, perhaps it would take off because I would be more focused.
This dear reader, is my issue. I cannot seem to find that one thing I want to write about. My life is not the stuff of legends. There aren’t endless adventures and hilarious stories to let out into the universe. I love my life, but I am not in any kind of place that I would believe my life to something someone would want to read about. No, the day to day humdrum that I love so dearly probably would not be something someone wants to read.
Fiction, why not just write my stories for the world to read? This is so personal. I find that I put so much into my stories, so much heart and feeling, that the idea of rejection seems … defeating. I know, I know, I want to be a published author and rejection is part of the process. But this, somehow would be different. So, I hesitate.
I don’t travel, I am not into fitness, I love food, but enough to write about? That’s debatable. Hair, makeup, and fashion have eluded me my whole life, so that’s a no. Politics is too much, music, movies, and television are possibilities, but WHAT????
I guess I can experiment and perhaps, dear reader, you will tell me.
May 3, 2017 § Leave a comment
Recently, my five year old has been saying a phrase that, frankly, upset me. Upset me meaning, it woke me up to a reality I don’t think I truly thought I would have to face.
“One day, I’m gonna be brown like you, Mommy.”
You see, I am Latina. I look Latina, brown skin, dark brown eyes, thick, dark hair. I married a white man, and our children are white. I joke most of the time, that people must think that I am the nanny because my kids look nothing like me.
I love my bi racial family! Don’t get me wrong. I love that my children are white, the way I would have loved that they were born with olive skin. I am a product of a bi racial family. My dad is white, and my mom is first generation Puerto Rican.
All of this being said, when my son rubs his arm on me and says, “Look mommy! Now I’m brown like you!” I feel a twinge of sadness. Sadness because I don’t want to disappoint him by letting him know being brown like me isn’t possible. Not because I want him to be brown, but because he wants to be.
I know some people may think this is a nonissue, something that will work itself out, and in a way I agree. I know some think that children don’t see color, they love and accept everyone, and that they only see color because of the attitudes of the people around them. Some may say, my son sees color because I’ve taught him to do so. And to that I say this…
It has not been my experience that my children have been color blind. I don’t think they need to be. My son sees that I’m brown, but does not know that that makes any difference. He doesn’t know about the struggle between white people and people of color. He doesn’t associate color and hate. He sees that people are different but that doesn’t affect his opinions or attitudes toward people who are different than him. This is the way I want him and my daughter to grow up. I don’t believe we need to be blind to the things that make us different, but that we don’t view those differences as something that divides us.
Still, how do I tell my son he won’t ever been brown like me? I don’t want to disappoint him, or change that sweet innocent idea inside of him. I love that he wants to look like me, I would be lying if I didn’t say a small part of me wouldn’t love him to be. But what do I say? How do I handle that? Usually, I will change the subject. Distract him with an activity. But he starts school soon, and what if a little kid tells him that he won’t ever be brown like me? Should I address it before then? And how?
Just a few thoughts.
Until next time…
April 27, 2017 § Leave a comment
Sorry, I know I said I would try and document the move to North Carolina, but everything happened so fast, and I ended up being a single parent for almost a month! Shout out, to all you single parents who are rockin’ it!
The move went smoother than I thought it would. I spent a week in Louisiana with family before my sister and I and our children caravaned out here to North Carolina. One night in a hotel, two days of driving, but we managed to arrive with our sanity intact!
This is the biggest house we have lived in to date! That includes growing up. We are so happy and thankful the kids have room to grow and play! They are mostly excited about living in a house with stairs, and a big backyard.
North Carolina is beautiful! All the greenery, so many trees, and mountains in the background! It’s like a breath of fresh air to drive down roads that are lined with trees and green grass. The contrast between here and Dallas is really amazing! Oh! And it rains here! Pretty consistently, and if you know me you know that I love rainy, gloomy days!
All in all, I do really like it here. It’s different and a bit lonely without my friends. It’s starting to sink in that I have actually moved. That makes me a little anxious, but I’m embracing this new adventure and I am ready to see what North Carolina has to offer.
Until next time…
March 20, 2017 § Leave a comment
After years of trying my husband has finally gotten a management position! Yes, it’s a huge deal! You see, my husband works so hard, and has work hard for so long and seen it yield no results. But, finally its has paid off and he has been promoted to district manager!! I could not be prouder!!
However, this is moving us for our small North Dallas town to Charlotte, North Carolina. This part I have some anxiety about. This moves us farther from family, out of the central time zone, and away from all of our friends.
But as fate would have it, a friend of mine from Texas is living in South Carolina only a hour and a half away from me!
So, now comes the hard part. Saying goodbye to everyone I love so dearly. It is truly the definition of bittersweet. Packing is also starting tomorrow bright and early. We paid out of our lease, and have to be out May 3rd. No pressure. I have been also having to explain to my five year old son about moving and what that will mean for him and his friends. He gets sad sometimes, I try to comfort him although, I’m going through the same thing.
Ok, ok, enough of that and onto this…
Hope y’all have a great week!
December 26, 2016 § Leave a comment
I hope everyone is having a very Merry Christmas and a great holiday season!
I have to say, as I sigh a massive sigh of relief that I am more than glad that it is over! Christmas, as I remember it, was full of food and great memories of happy moments with family. I remember opening gifts and playing all morning until Christmas lunch was done cooking. The aroma of warm southern cooking filled the air and I ate until my heart was content. I remember the warm glow of the fire place, the twinkling lights on the tree, and watching classics like Peanuts and those sweet little claymation movies. Ah, yes, the good ole days.
Now, however, Christmas is a time to wake up extremely earlier after having spent the night wrapping gifts and brewing coffee half awake. Stumbling on wrapping paper that greedy little fingers can’t seem to pick up. I love my children but seriously, it’s called a trash can. Not to mention sweating and slaving over the meal that needs to be ready on time so I can put the kids to bed strategically enough to where they nap together and I can rest for a millisecond. Oh all the while I’m trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive when I have little more than enough energy to stay awake.
All of this said, Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love seeing my wildlings so excited about their gifts and enjoying all the yummy food that you only get on this very special holiday. I admit, I need to probably incorporate more about the true meaning of Christmas, but I’m sure I can try again next year.
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope the holidays find you all in your happy place!
August 26, 2016 § Leave a comment
The best thing about living away from family is living away from family, but that can also be the worst thing about living away from family.
I am the mother of two children, my son Jack is 4 and a half and my daughter Olivia is 1 and a half. I’m a stay at home mother who lives about seven and a half hours away from any family of any kind. I do have friends, but let’s face it, friends are not the same as family.
I don’t feel I can call my friend up and ask if I can drop my kids off to them, or ask them to just come over for an hour so I can take a much needed nap. No, there are certain things that you can not just impose upon friends the way you can with family.
Being a mother is exhausting. Even someone who wants nothing more than to be a mother and she is living her dream having children and keeping house will tell you it can become overwhelming at times. The constant noise, mess, and need for attention. While I find toddler’s neediness much more bearable than an infant it still drains me to be needed on a 24/7 basis.
And before anyone tells me that I should cherish this time and quit complaining, that people struggle to have children, have lost children, etc I just want to say that I have been that woman too. I have lost a baby, I struggled to have my son, I have been the woman who was surprised with a pregnancy at the worst possible time in my life. I love and appreciate my little wildlings, but that does not for one second mean that I don’t need a break. That I don’t need time to myself, quiet, or to be able to go to the bathroom alone without little people following me.
There are moments, feeling, love that I would not know without my children. The level of love I have for them cannot be measured. But they are humans, they have their own minds, wants, and they are impatient and learning to function in a world that is starting to make them have to do do things themselves. This is causing a lot of of frustration for them and for me.
I have so many friends with kids who go with their grandparents for the weekend or on a week night before they start school. I see couples going along to dinner, while they can be sure their kids are taken care of. The going rate for a babysitter these days is about $12 per hour. That means for a dinner and a movie my husband and I have roughly spent about $50 before we have even left the house. This isn’t a problem for people who make a lot of money, but from where we sit it means about two dates a month if it’s a good month. Now the kids are going to school two or three days a week so that’s where all our date night money is going.
It’s discouraging and overwhelming. I wish I had someone to call when things start to get hard. Someone who can help me out but sadly there isn’t anyone who doesn’t already have a gaggle of children or that I won’t feel bad about not being able to pay them for their time.
I am not saying other people don’t have it harder and honestly, there is nothing to do about this situation at the moment. This is just my truth, my journey.