August 12, 2017 § Leave a comment
Lately, I have been in this funk that I can’t seem to shake. Usually, this is because of my lack of weight loss, lack of pursuing school or something that I want to happen that just isn’t. This time I cannot find a reason for it. Part of me feels like it’s burnout from school, or maybe that my son is going to kindergarten in two weeks and it effecting me more than I want to realize. Maybe it’s the lack of friends that I have here in North Carolina, or that my sister just came for a week and a half and left a few days ago.
I’ve eaten my emotions this week. I’ve tried to shake it by focusing on school work and the kids, but it hasn’t been enough. My husband is trying his hardest to help me, but how can someone help me if I don’t know what I need?
I’m not sad or angry. I don’t want to cry. I just don’t want to do … anything. I know this is depression because normally a funk doesn’t effect my school work. Right now I am thinking of taking a term (8 weeks) off to just shut off for a bit. That would push my graduation date back. I don’t know.
I think writing here is helpful. I can feel myself feeling better as I sort my own feelings out on paper. I am not extremely extroverted, I do however, enjoy having friends. I enjoy having people to talk to and who share common interests. Even if it’s just about the children we are raising. I currently don’t even have that.
Things will change, life will get better, ten second pity party over.
Have a great weekend ya’ll!
July 25, 2017 § Leave a comment
I have two children. They are amazing! I love them more than life! They are funny, talented, smart, obedient, cute to boot, and just overall the most amazing little humans ever!! Every moment with them is wonderful! They crack me up all day, and I can’t imagine my life without them! I put them before everyone, and without that I do not know what I would do!
Now, most of this is true. Maybe not the obedient part so much. But aren’t your tired of reading that?? Are we all tired of the moms who are always bright and peppy, they are never so frustrated that they complain. All we ever hear is how wonderful and blessed they are even in the ‘trying‘ moments. I know I am.
This whole thought process started after I posted a status on Facebook that read, “My children are my heart! ❤️” immediately I had people loving my status. It wasn’t because I said anything revolutionary, but it was different from what I normally post. Normally, I am complaining, venting my frustrations about … guess what … my children. Yup, that’s right! I complain about my wonderful, funny cute little human creatures. Why, you ask? Many reasons.
Motherhood is hard.
Children are needy.
Children are mean.
Children don’t listen, fuss, fight, make messes, don’t clean after themselves throw tantrums over not being able to walk around with a plastic bag over their head, or because they want soda instead of strawberry milkshake.
There is never enough time or attention for children, when you give everything they are right there needing more.
Now, I have no problem with women who do not view motherhood the way I do. If you never tire of your children, love every tantrum, think that everything is a glorious learning experience, that’s great! But I don’t relate to that mom. It’s impressive, but I am not that mother.
One thing any mother knows is that you share everything with your children starting at conception. You start by sharing your body, hormones, emotions, even your organs move to accommodate them. Once they are born your time, attention, food, everything is theirs. And I knew this going in, maybe not to the extent that I know it now two kids later, but I was informed.
But Facebook I do not share with my children. What I mean by that is that I do not use Facebook or any of my social media outlets to brag about my wonderful little hellions. No. I use it to vent to my adult friend, most of whom have children, about how crummy some of my days go, about how badly I want a glass of wine at the end of the night because someone rubbed human fecal matter on my couch, or threw one ten minute tantrum after the next. I hope that doesn’t offend.
I have had plenty of friend leave comments about cherishing the time with my kids while they are little, that I will miss this stuff I am complaining about, time flies, etc. And I get that, but I’m looking for something more real. Like someone to relate to, because being a stay at home mom is isolating. And this guilt trip that is laid on mom’s for complaining is, frankly, outdated. Everyone is allowed to complain about their job, so am I.
You can make your own assumptions about my children. And I sincerely hope that they get good reviews on the merits of their behavior, because I refuse make it for anyone.
July 17, 2017 § Leave a comment
The past few weeks have been… difficult. I decided to take the kids on a road trip at the beginning of July for my sister’s 30th birthday. We drove 14 hours straight, which in hindsight, was a bad choice. However, we arrived and successfully surprised my sister! Yes, there were tears.
During this two week period, which involved meeting up with friend, handing children off for sleep overs with grandparents, birthday parties, shopping, oh and the worst part, terrible stomach viruses. This last part, the stomach viruses, postponed the return trip a few days.
There has been a lot going on this summer. Between moving, having to fill up my kid’s time with activities, and school I have yet to figure out a good balance. And my school has decided to have no breaks between terms. Which means I do an eight week term which ends on a Sunday, and start the new 8 week term that next day on the Monday.
What’s been the hardest part of being in school, and staying at home with my children is that I need to really focus on my work when I have no time. Children are constantly running around, screaming, giggling, asking questions, needing food, water, milk, or throwing a fit because they aren’t able to have plastic bag on their head, or can’t eat soap.
This is my final year, my senior year at Southern New Hampshire University, which means that my year will be filled with English/writing courses, and electives of my choosing. This is the point in my education where I really want to focus, and do everything to the best of my abilities. Not that I wasn’t 100% in the rest of the time, my GPA is 3.75 or something (toot toot). But these writing courses are applicable to what I want to do for a career.
So, how will I balance everything in my life? I’m feeling a bit flustered lately. I want so badly to be a good writer. Not the next F. Scott Fitzgerald or Jane Austen, writing the next great American novel would be nice, but I just want to be good at it. I am nervous that I won’t be. That everything going on in my life right now is too much to truly pay attention my work. I don’t want to just make it through, I want to study and learn.
Jack starts school in August which will make things a little easier. Just having one, and that one being able to entertain herself, will leave me time to myself.
Until then though …
June 30, 2017 § Leave a comment
It’s nights like tonight, in the small moments of quiet, that I find myself reflecting on my parenting. Specifically, how I parent my son, Jack.
You see, from the moment Jack was born he has been strong willed, active, a bit of a bull in the China shop. He doesn’t quit until his eyes are shut, nestled in bed, but even then his active mind moves his body without him even knowing. I hear him talking in his sleep over the monitor, and smile to myself.
But then something happens. I begin to think about everything that is involved in raising this strong-willed, 100% boy. A lot of discipline, a lot of fussing, a lot of lost tempers (his and mine), and a lot of tears (his and mine). His constant need to voice his opinion, his side of the story, his version of the truth, is usually met with listening ears, but also, with consequences. I believe in teaching my children that they can choose to do what they like. That they know the rules and may choose whether or not they want to follow them. However, if they choose not to follow their are consequences. Time-outs, toys and iPads being taken away, they have free will but it best for everyone if they listen and follow the rules.
Jack has begun to make the right choices with more frequency, which makes us both happy. But I always wonder, am I being too hard on him? Am I being too strict? Not strict enough? Will he grow up, and only see me as someone who was always on his case, or will we have a relationship?
The idea that we wouldn’t brings tears to my eyes
I know that I am not the only one who has a strong willed child. I know consistency is key, and that it may be trying now, but the reward comes later when he settles down into being a respectful child.
But sometimes it’s hard.
June 6, 2017 § Leave a comment
However, sadly wheat products and gluten do not sit well with me, and I have had to cut it out of my diet. You heard right. No bread, no noodles, nothing fluffy and delicious. This has made my life pretty bland. I know, I know, there are plenty of gluten free options that are delicious and won’t wreck my GI tract. But let me tell ya, there really aren’t. Usually, they are horrible substitutes that are so off-putting that I just rather not eat bread, or any of it’s horrible substitutes ever again.
That being said, there are a few substitutes I do enjoy. Udi’s does gluten free bread and chocolate muffins that are great! Wish I didn’t have to pay half a million dollars for four muffins, but occasional it’s nice to treat yo’self.
When I was in my local grocery store I happened upon Horizon Organic Gluten Free Cheesy Mac I was excited! I thought to myself, “Horizon? Aren’t those the people who make the super creamy, delicious chocolate milk?” I was so excited I bought a box that costs more than two boxes of Velveeta Mac n Cheese. I was hopeful, ready to dive into this yummy bowl of goodness that was in fact, going to be ok for me to eat. Unlike the other Mac n cheeses, which my body wholly rejects, this one was going to be amazing!
The kicker is that I had been on an extremely restrictive diet for 26 days, without a cheat meal at all! This was going to be a celebration!
I boiled the noodles.
Poured the white cheese powder into 3/4 cup of milk.
Now, you have to know when dealing with Gluten Free noodles, if it says boil for 8 – 10 mins, you boil it for 15 to 20. Then the texture will be something like normal noodles.
I did it.
Than it was time. Time to indulge, not only because it was Gluten Free, but because I hadn’t had carbs in almost a month!
So, imagine my world crashing down on itself as I began to chew my first bite. Where I thought I would be enjoying a cheesy, gooey, mess of Mac n cheese, I was greeted with tough, aldente noodles, and cheese that was tasteless and watery. The noodles had a strange after taste, in that hot sauce could not cover up.
But, call it laziness or not being a wasteful person, I ate the whole, horrible bowl.
Needless to say, I do not recommend this product, and I will not be buying it again.
Will they ever make a gluten free Mac n cheese that is equal in deliciousness to Velveeta Mac n cheese? I don’t know, but I don’t think I will continue searching. It’s too hard.
Lol until next time…
June 2, 2017 § 3 Comments
A lot of my friends have suggested that I start a lifestyle blog, essentially this would mean that I mommy blog. I have nothing against mommy blogging. I am a mommy, I do blog, but there is a difference, I think, between my blogging and what mommy bloggers do (for the most part).
Most mommy bloggers tend to talk about how wonderful being a mommy is. And while there are aspects of motherhood that I love, there are certainly more that I do not. You see, I am a stay at home mom out of necessity not out of the desire to raise up my children. To put it simply, it’s too expensive to send my children to daycare. So, I stay home, do school around nap times, and find the happy in my situation until things can change. I am not miserable, but I just don’t feel like motherhood is where my talents are best utilized. That is to say, I don’t think I am a fantastic mom.
Now please, I do not say that to get sympathy because I am happy in my life now, but you won’t find me making arts and crafts with my little ones every day. I don’t fill up their days with activities and play dates, they don’t eat everything organic, I didn’t even nurse for God sake! So, how can this mom, who isn’t thrilled about having to take my kids to the park during the day because she hates to sweat supposed to mommy blog? Aren’t mommy bloggers supposed to LOVE every second being moms?
My blog would consist of the struggles that fill my day. Teaching my son that cornering his sister with the hose will not make her want to play with him. Teaching my daughter that screaming for every, little thing is not the way to get what she wants. Potty training battles, the correct way to wipe your own butt, etc, etc, etc. Believe me, people on my Facebook will tell you that I complain, and highlight my mommy fails a lot. But I find that this is the way that I vent. This is how I get through my day, by venting, writing, photographing, documenting my struggles. I feel like people can relate to that more than they can to this idea of the perfect mom.
I am sure I will write about my mommy fails here from time to time, but I am not sure that’s what I want my blog to be about.
June 2, 2017 § Leave a comment
Two posts in one day?! Whaaaaa?????!!!!
Freelance writing is something I have wanted to do for a couple of years now. I like the idea that I can work from home, continue to enjoy my kids, and make a little money. I don’t see myself writing the next great American novel, but I love writing! Not for fame or recognition, I mean, that would be nice. But I want to write, and be good at writing. I want people to read what I write, fiction or nonfiction, and enjoy it. I just bought, The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood, and I was genuinely thrilled just reading her introduction. Her words were so moving as she told the story of how she came to write her novel! I thought, “This is how I want someone to feel reading something that I write.”
Writing feels like … freedom. It feels like I can get all of these crazy, jumbled stories and emotions out of my head. It’s the freedom to write about how I feel, and what I think is so freeing! I don’t know if that is just me, or if it’s something all writers feel, but it is one of the only things I feel truly passionate about in my life.
But where to begin? This is where I need guidance. I have no professional experience in writing, however, I think it is time that I start acquiring some. There is another problem, confidence. I have very little in my writing. Yes, I have asked my friends and family to read my work. Can I be frank? While I love them dearly, I don’t know that I can trust their opinions. I know they wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings, this means that they are honestly critiquing my work. I just want someone to say, “YOU SUCK.” If I do, in fact, suck. Or that I am good if I am good. I need validation.
So, if anyone has any advice on how to start freelance writing from the ground up, or how to create a writing portfolio out of thin air, let me know!